Onion edited by O Society April 13, 2019
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the WikiLeaks founder’s arrest by British authorities on behalf of the U.S. for charges stemming from the publication of classified military documents in 2010, members of the American media condemned Julian Assange Friday for the reckless exposure of how they could be spending their time.
“We denounce Julian Assange in the strongest possible terms for his negligence in publicly demonstrating the kinds of work journalists could actually be doing to investigate government malfeasance and hold the powerful accountable,” said Washington Post editorial page editor Fred Hiatt, speaking on behalf of many of the leading members of the media who castigated Assange for never once considering the harm bringing rampant government criminality to light no matter the consequences could do to other news publications’ reputations.
“It’s abundantly clear Mr. Assange focuses on exposing documented evidence of U.S. war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan without so much as a thought for the journalists who faithfully parrot the U.S. military’s talking points, when we could be investigating information that rus contrary to the official narrative. Does he realize how this makes us look?
The fact he’d just publish information vital to the public interest from primary sources exactly as it was written instead of working with government officials to omit the most damaging parts in exchange for keeping access channels to power open for more mendacity is simply beyond the pale. The fact the American public now knows what we’re actually doing day-to-day is incredibly harmful to this nation.
We should instead focus on the ongoing minutia of the disintegrating Russia-gate story, which enables journalists to tweet in their reactions daily to Mr. Trump’s ludicrous denials of his Putin puppethood without ever leaving our offices to see what’s up in the real world.
‘NO COLLUSION!!!’ he tweets.
‘YES COLLUSION!!!’ our responsibility as objective journalist demands we respond, each and every single time, thus spreading the message of real Resistance™.”
Media industry leaders did, however, admit they could probably stand to go easier on Assange where the sexual assault allegations made against him were concerned.