Donald Trump Ends Government Shutdown As His Approval Ratings Go in the Toilet

by O Society Jan 26,2019

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The longest government shutdown in US history is over. In an announcement made Friday after work and right before the weekend starts in earnest, to detract visibility from the statement, Trump ended his shutdown, giving up without funding for his “really great” wall.

The handful of remaining White House staff report Donald Trump looked in the mirror and realized his approval rating fell below 40% to 38.

While fishing his cell phone out of the toilet, Señor El Presidente noticed the 20-point spread between his approval and disapproval ratings, and began to smell what the torches and pitchforks were cooking.” said his maid, a recent immigrant from Venezuela (translated from her original Spanish).

Can't we all just get along?

In an effort to save himself from himself, Trump called off the charade of pretending a “national emergency crisis” exists – so immediate it requires shutting down the government – yet can be fixed by his 20-year-long project to build a 30-foot tall wall and costs at least $25 billion (no, not $5.7 billion) according to FoxNews.

And put T-R-U-M-P in big gold letters at the top of it. A vanity project. Or something.

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Longtime Trump ally Ann Coulter issued a statement, “In my heart of hearts I know Trump CAN do something for someone besides himself. It couldn’t be intentional, of course. He’d have to do something good for Americans accidentally. But still, I believe. He could do it. Something useful. Like Bush did with Iraq or Obama did with Wells Fargo.”

Meanwhile, researchers continue to work around the clock searching for a vaccine to halt the spread of Trumpet Syndrome, and hopefully find a cure for the 38% of Americans infected with this terribly debilitating disease.

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“Something something Ko-REA and Little Rocket Man, nukes, Syria, withdrawal, at least I helped WALL STREET, have you seen the stock market!?! MS-13 National Emergency CIRCUS!!! CRISIS!!! I said CRISIS! rhymes with ISIS!”

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